this modern love

Last Day Dream

2012-01-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

I saw this short a few years ago but was reminded tonight how exquisite these 45 seconds capture the speed at which life goes. Chris Milk is amazing.

Splitscreen

2011-11-30T22:19:00.001-08:00

An artsy short on finding someone....

Pretty cool it was made on a phone.

Healthy Marriage

2011-11-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Sue Johnson always articulates well when it comes to couple relationships. This is worth 4 minutes of your time.

Sexual Re-Education: Make Love Not Porn

2011-11-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

I am going to talk about something I am very passionate about. Sex. And not just the act of sex but how we TALK about sex with our partners, children, and friends.

I believe we are doing it wrong. Or at least most of us are. There are a lot of sexually miseducated people in our world. And I believe that with the pornography epidemic most young people (yes, both girls and boys) are getting the bulk of their education about sexuality through pornography which is a huge disappointment to me. Why is this happening? The reality is that most adults are afraid to talk with their kids about the issue and/or don't know how to approach the subject with them. Totally understandable. It can be uncomfortable. A post is forming in my head about better ways to approach sexuality with your children so stay tuned.

Earlier this week my sis-in-law sent me this fascinating article with lead me to this TED Talk by Cindy Gallop. I agree with a lot of what she talks about in both the article and video and sadly I hear too many stories that give validity to her points. I have thought all day about whether or not to post this video. Deep in my heart I want to post this video but I worry that people will miss the message due the sexually graphic language she uses to make her point.

In the end I have decide to post this video with a warning.

AIMEE'S WARNING
1) If you get easily offended by graphic language of the sexual nature there is one part in this 4-minute clip that might create heart palpitations. If this may be you, please just don't click on the video. There are no f-words but there is talk about sexual acts that happen in some hard-core pornography.

2) If you are going to watch this and are at work or have children around, it is time to put on the earphones.

3) That is all. I hope it gives you something to think about regarding your own education on sexuality and how you want to approach your children about it if you are a parent.

If you are reading this in Reader this is when you have to click to my blog to see the real deal instead of white space...

If you have any thoughts or comments, please feel free to share.

MS in the Family Teleconference

2011-11-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

For any readers out there that have Multiple Sclerosis and/or in a family managing MS, I am one of the presenters at this months teleconference for the MS Society Greater NW Chapter on Thursday night.

I will be speaking with Allison Fine, MSW and we have an hour full of great information on dealing with MS in the family. There will be a question and answer between each of our sessions so it is somewhat interactive. I would love to have you join us!

To register for this event please click here or call 1-800-344-4867 and press option 1.

Unfolding

2011-10-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

OWN YOUR STORY.

It is yours to write.

image found here

Warning

2011-10-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Saw this on a friends FB page. It needed to be shared.

Life Cycle via Visual Typography

2011-09-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today about this amazing video I saw a saw while back that graphically represents the life cycle in typography. I shared this on my personal blog a few years ago and thought I would bring it to my therapy blog since it definitely applies to everyone on some level.

In therapy I use the training I received around the family life cycle quite a bit. I love seeing it represented in this visual way.

Anyone else get choked up watching this? Maybe it just reminds me that life goes really fast and I need to hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Web Cam

2011-09-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

This has made the rounds on the internet but if you haven't watched yet it is worth a few minutes.

If we could all be so content and happy with someone we love when we are old, wrinkly, and gray.

The Gifts of Imperfection

2011-09-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

Remember this post on that amazing TED talk by Brene Brown? Her new book just was delivered to my doorstep yesterday and I can't wait to dive in and start reading about my imperfections and how to become wholehearted. I tease in therapy that I would be the world's richest, most successful therapist if I could give a shot of self-esteem as clients sat down on my couch. It seems to be a common theme I see so often in individuals, which ultimately plays a huge part in our relationships and overall contentment in life.

Until I find that magic self-esteem formula, patent it, and make millions (I promise I will be a nice rich person), books like these will have to do.

Check it out if you are looking for a little wholeness in your life.
Any readers out there that have already read it? Any thoughts you want to share with us?

Also her blog is good medicine. Time to subscribe if you haven't already.

Winner Winner

2011-07-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Rob, no need to check your Nook. You won the book!

Email me your address and I'll send it out.

Thanks for playing everyone.

Win A Book and Flourish!

2011-07-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hello. I get to giveaway this newly published book. Hooray! Who doesn't want to flourish? Great title, right?

Here is my interview with the author Jeffery Rubin, Ph.D

Hello Dr. Rubin, thanks for chatting with me today! I am very excited about your new book The Art of Flourishing and appreciate you reaching out to us and sharing your wisdom.

I just have a few questions for you that I think my lovely blog readers would enjoy hearing your perspective.

1) Part one of your book is on the issue of self-care which I know my clients get sick of me talking about. If you could share just one golden nugget about your findings what could you impart with us regarding actions or thinking patterns we could do improve our self-care quota.

The essence of self-care is building into our lives what helps us flourish -- from yoga and meditation to listening to music and being with friends.

2) In Chapter 15 of your book you start with my most favorite quote by Kahlil Gibran (I even just included it in a blog post - obviously we would become fast friends) and you proceed to discuss boundaries which is another topic I am very passionate about in my professional and personal life. Why do you think healthy boundaries are so difficult for people? And why does it even matter that we have good boundaries?
For those out there that can't read the chapter yet could you share something we can do to move ourselves into a healthy place regarding boundaries in all relationships in our lives?

Boundaries are so difficult for most of us because we don't feel entitled and have a hard time saying no. We equate taking care of ourselves with being selfish; and then when we attempt to be good to ourselves we think we are being bad...

Boundaries are important because they preserve what is vital within us and protect us from losing ourselves.

Once we realize that boundaries are crucial to survival, notice where we are are having trouble setting them and try to begin to practice establishing boundaries.

3) What is your favorite breakfast cereal?

Oatmeal with honey, fruit, and nuts.

Dr. Rubin, thanks so much for taking the time to share of yourself. We hope you will come by again.

Leave a comment by the 13th below to win and get yourself a copy of the book here! Add to your goodreads here.

Family Problems

2011-06-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness" - Kahlil Gibran

I love these visuals from Stuff No One Told Me.

I particularly enjoyed this one today which reminds me of Murray Bowen's (one of the fathers in family therapy) idea of differentiation of self and boundaries. It is an amazing concept that another local therapist, Stephen Crippen, explains really well here. Give that a read for sure.

Are you able to have good boundaries with your family members? Or do you get caught into the messiness of family pressures and anxiety? Do you feel like you have a good level of interdependence?

Feel It.

2011-05-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am on the planning committee again this year for the MS Kid's Camp. It was an amazing experience last year. I was in charge of the "Feel It" portion of the camp. I waited so many years to find friends my age that had parents with a chronic illness so I really believe that this is a valuable event the MS Society offers.

I think they have just a few more openings for campers (particularly for boys) so if you know someone in your life with MS that has a little ones, you might want to recommend they get registered.

Forgive & Forget?

2011-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Last year I did a recording with one of my favorite fellow therapist friends, Caley, about forgiveness and never posted it here. Silly me. How did I forget?

It has been said to "forgive and forget" but I am not really a believer in this concept. I think that idea just creates for pressure, frustration, and guilt. Forgiving is essential in our relationships, and often can take some time to really heal from an event or relationship that is painful, but I'm not sure that forgetting is all that healthy in a relationship. It is our healed emotional scars that remind us how to have empathy. Why should we be expected forget those experiences?

If you feel so inclined you can check out our podcast here. Please note it was the first podast I've ever done so please be forgiving. Pun intended.

Infertile Talk

2011-05-07T02:44:00.000-07:00

photo cred

I have too many friends right now dealing with infertility issues. My heart breaks for them everyday as they go through this struggle. Tonight I read this article and thought it would be appropriate to share.

We are all guilty of saying inappropriate statements to people going through difficult situations. I honestly believe most of the foot-in-the-mouth comments come from a place of not knowing what is best to say rather than a place of trying to be rude or insensitive. The author of the article gives a few tips on how to be a better support to friends dealing with infertility and outlines some of the what-not-to-say comments.

This one really stood out for me as I am sure I have ignorantly done this before:

Don't tell us about your friends for whom it all worked out. We realize you're just trying to give us hope, and that's very nice of you, but unfortunately, it reinforces the feeling that it's happening for everyone but us.

Be a good, well-informed friend and read the rest here.

The Sex-Starved Wife

2011-04-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

An interesting perspective and interview from the author of The Sex-Starved Wife, Michelle Weiner Davis.
I use ideas and concepts from The Sex-Starved Marriage often when doing sex therapy with couples.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Write Your Own Ending

2011-04-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

I could not feel more passionately about this statement.

Found via Pinterest

Lifeboat

2011-04-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

"In general, the rules for marriage are similar to the rules
for being in a lifeboat on the open ocean:
don't crowd each other,
no sudden moves,
and keep all disastrous thoughts to yourself. "

thanks for the quote and wonderful mental image Tiffany

The Power of Vulnerability

2011-04-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

About 10 people sent me this insisting I watch it and in reading the title I started to think that perhaps they are saying I am a vunerable person and need some help?

After watching it I would be honored if that is why they sent it to me. But alas, I don't think that is the reason. It did give me much to think about on a personal level and professional so now I realize why people kept putting it in front of me.

Hopefully you too can watch it and take a good nugget away from it. Worth 20 minutes of your time while you are perusing the interwebs.

I am enough.

The Gift of Therapy

2010-12-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

Did you see this postcard on PostSecret?

Nice plug for therapy, right?

If you are on the fence about going to therapy I would say to give it a try. If you are thinking about going back I would say go for it. Sometimes all one needs is a good listening to and little neutral guidance.

Finding a therapist you feel like you can open yourself up to and trust is a key factor in being successful in therapy. I would love to see you on my couch, or if you are too close to me I would love to refer you to another therapist that could potentially be a good fit for you.

Feel free to contact me anytime for either one of those options.

Sex After Babies?

2010-12-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

Having recently had a baby, and understanding this couple issue on a more personal level, I feel that this CNN Health article is worth taking the time to read for all parents. It is a quick read and will perhaps make you laugh a little too.

"Amen" to this quote below:

We believe that sex matters. It’s the glue that binds couples together. It’s what makes us more than just friends. Without sex, lovers become roommates, and a bedroom becomes just a place to sleep in (often with a kid or two in it as well).

There are a number of reasons why having a healthy sex life with your partner can increase the overall happiness of your life. Ian Kerner, the author of the article gives some great pointers on how to help increase your the sexy-sex with your partner. #4 is a great tips for all the ladies out there. Click here to read the good stuff...

article recommended via this blog

The Unspeakables

2010-11-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Borrowed from the brilliant Stuff No One Told

I often talk in therapy about "the unspeakables" - those conversations in our relationships that are easily avoided because of the delicate nature in which they exists. I can attest to seeing the power that comes for daring to speak to these. We all too often assume what our loves ones are thinking.

Be brave and give it a try.

Tis The Season

2010-11-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

According to David McCandless, that along with approaching the holiday season we are also approaching the breakup season.

Hold on tight, lovers!

He scanned Facebook relationship status changes and visually represented the results in the graph above.

I hope you find yourself in the category of people who don't change their relationship come January!

A Love Story

2010-09-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting

2010-08-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a fantastic, fantastic article about modern day parenting: The Growing Backlash of Overparenting. My sisters and I spent a good hour talking about this issue of "helicopter parenting" and how things have changed from when we grew up. Isn't that picture awesome!

Have parents gone too far with over planning, over expecting, and not allowing creative free-play time for children?

Here are some interesting excerpts from the article:

Less is more; hovering is dangerous; failure is fruitful. You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who hold them down.

But too many parents, says Skenazy, have the math all wrong. Refusing to vaccinate your children, as millions now threaten to do in the case of the swine flu, is statistically reckless; on the other hand, there are no reports of a child ever being poisoned by a stranger handing out tainted Halloween candy, and the odds of being kidnapped and killed by a stranger are about 1 in 1.5 million. When parents confront you with "How can you let him go to the store alone?," she suggests countering with "How can you let him visit your relatives?" (Some 80% of kids who are molested are victims of friends or relatives.) Or ride in the car with you? (More than 430,000 kids were injured in motor vehicles last year.) "I'm not saying that there is no danger in the world or that we shouldn't be prepared," she says. "But there is good and bad luck and fate and things beyond our ability to change. The way kids learn to be resourceful is by having to use their resources." Besides, she says with a smile, "a 100%-safe world is not only impossible. It's nowhere you'd want to be."

Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument; fear of failure is harder to hose down. What could be more natural than worrying that your child might be trampled by the great, scary, globally competitive world into which she will one day be launched? It is this fear that inspires parents to demand homework in preschool, produce the snazzy bilingual campaign video for the third-grader's race for class rep, continue to provide the morning wake-up call long after he's headed off to college.

What You Can Do
Among the most powerful weapons in the war against the helicopter brigade is the explosion of websites where parents can confide, confess and affirm their sense that lowering expectations is not the same as letting your children down.

Married to ADHD?

2010-07-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

Here is a great article from the New York Times on dealing with ADHD as a partnered couple. Reading it might change your perspective on yourself or your love that might be dealing with the symptoms.

Many people assume that ADHD is just a child issue but there are many adults that are dealing with it also and it not doubt affects the couple relationship.

Trouble in Your Relationship?! Watch Out For Distance.

2010-06-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Below is an interesting video, from Sue Johnson one of the leaders in couple counseling and research, is on one of the main signs that a marriage/committed relationship is going bad. The video is also packed with amazing tips on how to avoid troubled waters in your marriage.

Very insightful if you have a few minutes to listen.

Pay attention to spending time together or getting stuck in negative patterns!

The Hopeful Future of Mental Health

2010-04-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

photo by Scott

Hearing lots of grumblings regarding the Health Care Reform Bill? How about some good news?

Here is some interesting facts on mental health coverage that will be affected by the bill in this New York Times article.

The law signed by President Obama last week expands parity to a much wider pool, making it possible for millions more people to get the same coverage for substance abuse and illnesses like bipolar disorder, major depression and schizophrenia as they would for, say, diabetes or cancer. There are no exact figures, but the mentally ill are more likely to be uninsured than the general population, advocates and researchers say.

“A lot of this still has to play out in terms of how parity works,” said Michael J. Fitzpatrick, executive director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI, an advocacy group. But the new law “can change the mental health system in America and really give families and individuals an opportunity to get a level of access to care we could only fantasize about before this became law,” he said.

I don't know all the in's and out's of this bill but hopefully it moves us in a more fair and compassionate place for the mental health of our families, children, and people of our nation. I choose to stay optimistic that this hope will be achieved someday!

The Facebook Rule Book: Emotional Version

2010-03-31T17:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Facebook,

If you feel the need to keep showing up in all my therapy sessions I am going to need to start charging you.

sending a fat, expensive bill,

Therapist Aimee

• • •

Facebook is a revolution that has managed to creep into the all aspects of our relationships. I remember first hearing about Facebook from my college-aged brother in 2005 who said it was a website just for "college kids" - like MySpace - only more sophisticated. Slowly, the age of people who used it kept creeping higher in age.

First, I saw my husband join and since I was using his profile to look at people I knew I thought I might as well join the revolution. Many of my friends were joining at the same time too.
Next was my older siblings generation came pouring in and slowing I started seeing my friend's parents requesting me to be their friends. What??!! Now I only know a few people NOT using Facebook who have intentionally decided to steer clear of anything related to social networking. And yes, my parents have even succumb to joining and connecting with friends old and new. Never thought I would see the day.

It is no surprise that it has changed the way we do relationships but it wasn't until I started practicing therapy and had multiple clients bring Facebook issues to our session that I really realized the impact of it all. The sociology of it all could keep me talking for hours if you let me! But alas, I will just stick to the list below. [Disclaimer: I could write a post on the positive sociological aspects of Facebook but those don't show up as much in my office as often!]

Here are just a few, quick ideas I've learned from talking to people to help play it emotionally and relationally safe while using any form of social media.

Be careful about changing any relationship status: Know that simple switch can have huge ramifications. The change is far reaching. More than you realize.
If you know clicking on a picture of your ex with a new love might break your heart REFRAIN FROM CLICKING ON THE PICTURE: Remember you are playing with your emotional well-being when you start clicking in places you know better than to be clicking. Let's not forget that curiosity did in fact kill the cat. Let's not let clicking kill you inside emotionally too. We don't want causalities, friends. Click and stalk wisely.
If you wouldn't feel comfortable with your partner reading a chat/message you are having with an old ~~flame~~ friend then there is something not honest and not innocent with the chatting. Check your heart before you get carried away.
If you find a desire to be chatting with old flames a little too much then there might be something more going on in your current relationship. Time to come see me. Preventative therapy can save your marriage. I believe this with my whole heart. (That is if you want to save your marriage, of course).
If you feel that at any time your partner could get on your computer and look through anything in your Facebook then you are doing something right. Give yourself a gold star!
Transparency in all aspects of online communication are key in keeping your relationship strong.

Those are all for now but I give myself the privilege to add more when I so desire.

Here is an interesting article related to Facebook and marriage with some more specific tips for you.

Happy Facebooking.

Parenting With MS Teleconference

2010-03-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

The Parenting with MS: Middle & Teenage Years Teleconference that I am leading is coming up on April 15th. Registation is required so if you are interested or if you know someone that might benefit from being on the call please pass this along. They don't have to live in Washington to register. I would love to have participants from all over the country.

You can register here!

Infidelity: A Must Listen to This American Life

2010-03-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

For those of you who listen to This American Life I have a great relationship episode I want to share. For those who don't, now is your time to start listening. You are missing out on a great thing if you haven't engaged in making this part of your weekly routine. ☺

Ira Glass hosts and produces a podcast/radio show every week about various issues, people, politics, subjects in America. He is a fascinating person or at least finds fascinating things to tell me about every week. Ira Glass's mother, Shirley Glass, is one of my therapy heros.

I basically revere the Glass family.

Now on to my point. Infidelity is an episode I think all should listen. The second act of the episode references Shirley Glass's book Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust & Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, my therapy go-to book for all things affair related. The whole episode raises some interesting questions on how we do marriage and what infidelity can look like to all parties involved.

You can go to the website, subscribe to the podcast for FREE on iTunes, or download the app to your iPhone. It is episode #393.

Happy coupling.

Poetry Proposal

2010-02-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

Marriage proposals make me teary sometimes. I love to celebrate that ritual with people. I remember going to bed the night I got proposed to feeling so high - like it was the best day of my life and I didn't want to go to sleep because I would never get the day back again.

Do you like public proposals? Would something like that totally embarrass you or please you? Any fun proposals out there?

found via Cup of Jo

The Love Struggle

2010-02-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

Hoping this weekend of love can remind lovers out there to find healthy, productive ways to stay out of the "Love Struggle" and to just love and be loved by each other. No one wants to settle into a rut of diminished happiness and chronic disappointment. Life is too short for such things.

If you're having trouble, stick around this blog. There will be more tips to come.

cartoon shared by Sizzle posted by Simple Ink

Fight! Fight! Fight!

2010-02-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am on the planning committee for the MS Society's Yearly Kid's Camp and they showed us this video at the meeting. Obviously, it has personal meaning to me and although it is supposed to be cute and fun, it still makes me get a little teary. I'm sure anyone that has lived with a loved one struggling with an illnes in any way can relate to the feelings about it being a fight against the illness. I loved the visual of the boxing match. Sometimes I do feel like it is us against MS so I really related to this video. They did an excellent job with the video - kept it informative and fun.

If any of you know a family with a parent living with MS who has a child(ren) between the ages of 8-15 that might be interested in attending the free, fun, education, and exciting MS Kid's Camp you can check out all the details here.

I am also doing a free teleconference in April about Parenting With MS: The Middle to Teenage Years. If you are a parent or spouse living with MS and raising junior high to high school kids please feel free to join in the conversation! Registration here.

Because It's Ladies Night...

2010-02-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

Seattle girlfriends - My therapy office building is a wellness center and the chiropractor across the hall puts on this amazing lady's night. Rumors are that it is super fun with tons of free girly stuff and lots and lots of laughing. Please come if you would like. I will be there too. Here are the details:

Friday, February 19, 5:00PM

16700 NE 79th St. Suite 101
Redmond, WA 98052 US

Join us at Ladies Night of Indulgence! A night for yourself, your mother, daughter, and girlfriends. Celebrate health and wellness in good company...in a place to have fun, mingle, learn, and most importantly get spoiled...YOU deserve it.

On the Menu...
Chair Massage
Bone Density
Body fat testing by Curves
Mary Kay Makeovers
Bra Fitting
Eyebrow waxing by Sorella Salon
Swing Dance Lessons by Teresa Osborn
Galvanic Facials
Bread Tasting
Orange Blossom Society
Posture Checks
Isagenix International
Stress Tests, Test your Love Language & Light Therapy
Pinkalicious Cupcakes
Just added: Redmond Pilates Center AND...Wine Tasting with Jerzy's Wine Bar!

2010-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Hello Readers,

One of you emailed me some very personal thoughts with many questions 11 days ago and every time I reply the email comes back to me. It feel badly because I would love to respond to you personally but the email you used doesn't work.

Please send me a working email and I would love to send you my thoughts. Thanks.

Aimee

For the Moms

2010-01-28T13:30:00.001-08:00

found via colourofasmallvoice

Preventing the Ever-Popular Work Affairs

2010-01-07T14:24:00.000-08:00

Research shows that the majority of affairs happen in the work place. The feminist movement brought with it more women and men working together increasing the chances of entering dangerous relational waters.

The Happiness Project posted some tips on preventing work affairs that I thought I would share:

1. Never take a first step in flirtation, even in jest.

2. Never have more than one drink with people from work. If that.

3. Never confide details from my personal life to people from work, and don’t allow them to confide in me.

4. Never allow myself to have a “special friend” of the attractive sex (sometimes called a “work spouse”) to whom I turn for particular support. (This is sometimes called an “emotional affair.”)

5. Unless it’s an unmistakably professional context, don’t meet alone with a colleague or client of the attractive sex. E.g, when a client calls with tickets for the baseball game, don’t go in a twosome.

6. Imagine your spouse/partner as an audience – cc’d on the email, listening to the phone call, walking suddenly into the conference room. If you’d feel uncomfortable in that situation, you’ve crossed some line.

7. If you develop a close relationship with someone from the attractive sex at work, get to know his or her family. That puts a damper on starting an affair.

Find the whole blog post here.

• •

I think #6 is my favorite. Transparency is your relationship is powerful. If you aren't afraid for your partner to see your email, facebook interactions, or text conversations than you know your heart is in the right place.

Remember if you are unsettled about your relationship in any way, preventive steps (like counseling, using healthy communication tools, reading relationship books, committing to honesty, etc.) will save you a whole lot of heartache than looking for someone else to fill in those raw or lonely spaces.